Thursday, January 31, 2013

America's War on Christmas

Conservatives in America often complain on television that Christmas is in danger - that liberals want to ban it (zakázať).

The Daily Show with Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The War on Christmas: Friendly Fire Edition

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Here's what they said, to help you understand:

Welcome to the Daily Show! My name is Jon Stewart! We got a good one for you tonight! Dennis Leary is going to be on the program, author of the new book, Merry F**king Christmas. That’s his book there. Am I reading that title correctly? Merry F**king Christmas. Yes, that’s correct. I can only assume it’s a delightful romp to holiday cooking and decorating. Leary loves crafting, I’ll say that.

Speaking of Christmas, you’re probably aware by now our nation’s been embroiled (vtiahnutý do) in a long and bitter (krutý) war.

“The first salvo in the war on Christmas”

4X “War on Christmas”

War on Christmas! Not to be confused with Gwar on Christmas, it’s a tremendous Christmas album. For years now Christmas has been under attack, defended only by the brave souls of Fox News. Are they still up to the task? (Su ešte pripravený s prácu?) That is the subject of tonight’s War on Christmas, Friendly Fire Edition. Let’s face facts. The annual Fox war on Christmas has become a little predictable (predpovedateľný). It’s basically, I imagine you could make one up with a, like a Make Fox News Mad Libs. Let’s see. Let’s try to do one of these:

Last week, in, I need the name of some Godless, liberal bastion (bašta).

Santa Monica

Okay, Santa Monica that’ll do. Let me just fill in Santa Monica there, and in Santa Monica a group of, give me the name of a small group of annoying people with incredibly limited control over our culture.


Okay, atheists’ll do. That’s right. Everyone’s favorite uncle that lives in Oregon, that no one ever sees. So a group of atheists have ruined Christmas by forcing the removal of – I need a classic Christmas symbol.


Damnit Brian, we’re trying to do something here! Just go sit in the car!

“a nativityscene.”

Thank you! Nativity scene! At least some people are still grown-ups over there. Okay, Alright so we’re done. Let’s see if we can put that all together, shall we?

“Atheists seem to have ended a 60-year-old Christmas tradition in Santa Monica California.”

“Now a Federal Judge backing Santa Monica’s decision to no longer allow Nativity scenes at a public park.”

Oh my god, that is such an out!–snore… It’s as though the War on Christmas has become a rote observance (nudný zvyk), devoid (zbavený) of all its original spiritual meaning. Even its most ardent proponents (navrhovatelia) have seen doubt creep in.

“Now, a lot of people, for whatever reason, will look at this interview today, and they’ll say, Gretchen Carlson and Doreen Costa are nuts (šialený), okay, they’re so nuts because they think that there’s this made-up (falošný) War on Christmas. We’re not nuts are we? There is a war on Christmas.”

As a general rule, if you’re trying to tell whether you and one other person are nuts, ask a third person, preferably someone outside the asylum (ústav). But, since you asked the question, “Am I nuts to think there’s a War on Christmas,” it’s only polite for me to offer you a resounding (hlasný), yes you’re f**king nuts. Because, for whatever annoying, local, ticky-tack (byrokratický), Christmas-abolishing (odstrániť) story you and your merry band of persecution-seeking researchers (výskumnikov ktory hladaju pronasledovanie) can scour the wires (hladať cez internet) to turn up (najsť), the rest of us can’t swing a dead elf (mávať mrtvy škriatok) without knocking over a inflatable snowglobe or a giant, blinking candy cane.

For God’s sakes, Fox News itself is located in Midtown Manhattan, the epicenter of all that is Godless, secular, gay, Jewy, and hellbound (predurčený na to isť do peklo). And yet, even here, all around your studio, it looks like Santa’s balls exploded. That is a hypothesis.

You know, in the old days, before the War on Christmas, the celebration of the birth of Christ lasted a day, like birthdays do. And then it seeped (šíril) into the night before Christmas, the Eve, if you will, and then the next thing you know we were riding this thing all the way to Epiphany. Fine, 12 days! It gave time for lords to leep and geese to lay and partridges to pear, and gold to ring. It’s just 12 days of servants and f**king poultry (hydina), whatever! But it still wasn’t enough. There’s a War on Christmas? Has anyone told Thanksgiving? Because, this year Black Friday, aka Christmas’s opening bell, got moved back a day to Black Thursday, or as we used to call it, Thanksgiving. Christmas is so big now, it’s eating other holidays. Watch your ass, Halloween, you’re next.

Let me ask you a question. Do atheists land an occasional blow? I guess. Even the Washington Generals get lucky once in awhile. But, when you look at the overall record between the two teams – for God’s sakes, there are radio stations that play nothing but Christmas carols, stores that sell nothing but Christmas decorations all year long. There is a TV channel devoted to a Yule log. And, it’s kicking CNN’s ass in the ratings!

But, don’t worry non-log-burning channels, there’s Christmas programs for you as well. There’s old-timey, traditional Christmas programming, really old-timey, Dickensian Christmas special programming, new-timey Hey-Hey-Hey! urban Christmas specials, Mormon Christmas specials, country-western Christmas specials, chipmunk Christmas specials, otter Christmas specials, bear Christmas specials, cat Christmas specials, large-headed child Christmas, gay Christmas, Jewish Christmas, whatever the fuck this is Christmas, Christmas under water, Christmas from the future, prehistoric Christmas. That’s right, there’s a Christmas special celebrating the Jesus’s birth thousands of years before the birth of Jesus.

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